About Apologies

 

  

About Apologies

 

....so from my observations with those I have encountered in my life I have noticed one thing stands out when it comes to relationships and mending broken hearts. Apologizing seems to be a severe challenge for most people. I can count on one hand how many people in my life have offered me an apology. That's pretty sad and that doesn't mean I have been in relationship with shady people all the time or people that are losers. It just means that people have a really hard time saying they are sorry, people are sensitive, afraid you will yell at them, afraid they or you will cry, and people are super insecure. It's because we have these deep-seated insecurities within us and just the thought of saying you are sorry to someone confirms that you made a mistake. But so what. We all make mistakes. Admitting them is powerful and courageous and you will be respected more than if you ignore them or sweep them under the rug and pretend it never happened. How can you truly connect with others if you think that way. Some of us make mistakes on purpose and then regret it later and then when we want to apologize we can't seem to make the effort. Well, that means you need to work on your heart first, then plan your approach and then execute with confidence knowing that whether or not your apology will be received and accepted, you did the right thing. We need to think higher. Apologizing is always the right thing if you are in the wrong and even sometimes when you are not to keep the peace and strengthen your bond in your relationships.

If your intention is to do right by the other person then why would you not apologize? It's the most powerful thing you can do besides forgiveness to let someone know you truly love and care about them so much that you must acknowledge your wrongdoing, and make an effort to correct it or promise never to go down that dark road again. It's ok. You are not satan, you are not the worse person in the world and you probably won't be laughed at if you do apologize. You might even make someone cry because that's all they wanted to hear from you. I think it's sad if you have a client or a co-worker or a boss or a neighbor or an acquaintance in  your life and you made a mistake with them and you apologize right away but you can't seem to apologize to your family member or best friend or girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse. That's disturbing and we need to work on that. I think people get shocked when someone offers them an apology because it's difficult and for the record an apology does not mean we have to still communicate or be in a relationship forever. You can let a person go but still make an effort to say "I'm sorry I made a mistake and I hope you are ok and I vow not to do such a thing again to you." The worse the person will probably do is either ignore your apology or not accept it. But you walk away the bigger person because you made the effort to apologize and made an attempt to right  your wrong. It's better than wallowing in your sorrow feeling horrible with tightness in your chest that you made an error in judgment and you can't take it back. It's better than starving yourself because you hate yourself for what you did. It's better than ignoring that nudge in your heart like the angel on your shoulder telling you to go say you are sorry before you never ever see the person again, which could mean death. If you are too insecure to apologize, and that's honestly usually why people have a hard time apologizing, then that means you need to get over yourself. It's not even about you, it's about what you did to someone else that is the motivating factor here. It's selfish to say "I can't apologize to her or him because then I admit that I was wrong" or "I can't apologize, I don't know what to say and I feel so bad about what I did" or "well what about what he or she did, why won't that person apologize to me" - well did you ask for an apology or are you harboring resentment holding it in and never requesting the person say they are sorry? That's your fault not theirs. Sometimes people don't know they need to apologize if you don't tell them  you need one.

So it goes both ways. The one who was wrong needs to admit the wrong and apologize and the one who needs the apology must ask for it or he or she will never get it. You need to remember that the apology is for the other person, if you admit you were wrong then you look good to yourself and the other person and then you can remove that burden from your heart. Don't you want to look good and be accepted and feel better about yourself? If so, an apology is the way to go! For sure! Your reputation is important and that's all you have. So have a reputation for apologizing when needed, not for hiding or holding it back because you are hurt that you hurt someone else. If you keep saying you feel so bad about what you did, then take some time to consider how the other person is feeling and how their heart is hurting by what you did. That's called empathy and unfortunately most of us lack empathy because we spend too much time thinking about ourselves, our needs and our hurts.  If you say you don't know what to say then that is not true because all you have to say is "I'm sorry". I believe that is all people want to hear from the other person. It has to be sincere and honest and you truly have to want to mend fences and build bridges but it doesn't have to be a long drawn out ten page letter of what you did and why you did  it and how horrible you feel unless you are brave enough to do such a thing. If that is the case then you just might get the person back in your life and get yourself back in their good graces. You can't expect reconciliation either because the other person you are apologizing to may not want to be your friend or see you ever again but they may accept your apology and you have to be strong enough and secure enough to accept that and move on and let them go. Just two words is all you need and if conversation continutes after those two words then maybe you can get to the bottom of the "why" and make sure you never do it again.

So please don't be afraid to apologize to people in your life who need to hear it, don't be arrogant and think you are above an apology, you are not, don't be an overthinker and think or talk your way out of saying you are sorry. If you truly want that other person to feel good about you again, and be in your life or at least know that you are not a bad person with an agenda to harm them all the time, then you will make an effort to apologize. You can't have much of a relationship with someone, especially if you are estranged from one another or not talking at all and you don't offer an apology. I bet it breaks God's heart seeing His children in fake relationships or pretending with people or afraid of people and refusing to make amends and making sure they always practice the golden rule. Let's treat people the way we want to be treated, with kindness and then you won't be apologizing much at all. I am usually pretty confident in requesting apologies so I know the person I am requesting it from didn't really mean to break my heart or harm me and will not do it again. If I don't hear that apology in some way shape or form, then I know that person really doesn't care about me, my heart, my feelings and what they put me through. And if they do then that means they are too insecure to offer the apology and they are thinking of themselves and not me and my hurt feelings and that means I don't need that kind of person in my life because that's painful. I know many people are very sensitive but again, you have to get over yourself and think about the other person and make sure you don't turn your apology into an attack on the other person and start looking for reasons they should apologize to you. After you apologize give the person time to accept your apology and respond to you on their own time. Don't push it or rush a response from them because they may never respond and they may not accept your apology and that's ok, at least you made the effort. It's better than dying knowing you never made the effort to reconcile or knowing that person is dying and you never made the effort to reconcile. If you are not sure how to approach someone with an apology then try creating a group on FB or another social media site you both are on and call it "I'm Sorry" and invite some people to join your group and practice saying they are sorry or sending out an apology to the person they hurt. Maybe they will see it there and contact you. Send a message on messenger and tell them to meet you somewhere for some "sorry" ass coffee or tea (that's supposed to be funny, and hopefully they will catch the hint and know you want to apologize to them, lol), send them a text message without games and inuendos and just say "I am sorry for what I did", call them and wait for voicemail or tell them on the phone if they pick up, write a letter if you have their address, take a photo of the words "I'm sorry" and post it on their timeline, say it in a different language to be creative, however you do it make it so they know you are serious about apologizing and they mean so much to you that they can't bear to go another day without saying they are sorry. Don't pretend to be someone else either because that is counter productive and pointless. The apology has to come from the real person that made the mistake not a fake person. The longer you take to apologize the more resentment festers and builds up and it may be harder for them to forgive you or accept your apology later.

So do it now, not tomorrow. Neither one of you may never see tomorrow at all. So let go of the fear, life is too short to be afraid to make amends. You may miss out on that person having  a baby or getting married or falling in love or opening a new business or having a major party or going on a trip somewhere amazing or just hanging and having fun again all because you refused or couldn't find it in your heart to apologize. Don't die that way because I know you want to see that person or talk to them again and you can't if you don't apologize. If you see a true friend in someone and you are not talking anymore or if your love has not died from a love relationship that ended, then find a way to apologize for the damage you caused and the error you made. It will make you feel better. It will make you look better. It will give you peace. It will open a door to better relationships in the future and if that is what you want then what the heck are you waiting for. Go say you are sorry young man and young lady...as your parents would say...........

To anyone I have offended in any way or broken your heart by my words or deeds please forgive me, I am sorry. Let me know, request an apology from me so I can apologize to you in person or privately.

Lastly, and please don't forget this part...your apology could save a life. Sometimes all one person needs to hear is "I'm sorry" from you. Those words could be the very thing to open their heart back up and keep it beating........